I walked into my house after working out last night and the movie Annie was on the television. My husband and I were laughing with the kids about how the main character started dancing and singing and then everyone who was around them all knew the dance moves. We laughed for a moment and started telling the kids how funny it would be if life was really like that with people jumping in knowing the same dance moves and singing the same songs. Then my mind went to a thought, "I wish Elisha could get up and dance with me." It was like cold water was thrown in my face. Why can't my little boy, created in the image of God, a precious miracle, stand up and dance and sing with me? Yep, I went there quickly. What in the world? We were just laughing and having a grand old time. The suddenness of the moment was painful. I cried. The feelings of disappointment, fear, and doubt filled my mind. I had no strength to pull myself out so I settled in and allowed the tears. My husband walked over and put his arms around me. He asked what was wrong. I told him, unashamedly, I was broken. Aren't I supposed to be beyond this kind of pain, it's been 2 and a half years? He squeezed me a little tighter and said, "I know this is hard." We were hugging while I was on the floor. Then he sat back and looked at me with confidence, a slight smile was on his face, he looked in the direction of Elisha and said, "We are going to be dancing together, right Elisha?" And Nate, in all of his rhythm as a drummer, began to do some crazy,awkward, nonrhythmic dance moves. He literally looked like he was convulsing. Elisha began to laugh and laugh so hard that he could barely breathe. I smiled even with tears rolling down my cheeks. I could see the goodness of God in this moment of brokenness. My precious little miracle who was hit by a car, bleeding to death in the road, unresponsive and in a coma for month, who lived in a hospital for over four months, and came home on 15 medications, is now sitting there laughing hysterically at my husband's inability to dance.
The pain I was feeling was still there but it now wasn't conquering me. I had the right to cry. It was okay to feel. Too often I want to shut down the pain but that's not how it works. Pain deserves a voice. It needs a voice.
My pain had to get out.
"It's not fair."
"This wasn't supposed to be the plan God. This wasn't what my life was supposed to look like."
Then the joy of my home, the laughter of my little miracle man, the warmth and confidence of my husband, the smile of my oldest and the purity of my youngest all covered the pain with a louder truth... God is good! He is just good. He is doing something powerful and I get to watch Him do it. Yes, He demonstrated His love by dying on the cross and conquering death, but He continues to demonstrate His love by turning this tragedy into something amazing!
It's tough, ya'll. There is no lie in saying that but in Christ there's hope. He always turns the bad stuff to something good. It's just His nature. He's good. I heard someone say the other day, "If it's not good then it's not done." We have to get to a place, even in the disappointment of life, where we believe in the unfailing character of God. He always wins! It's never too difficult with Him. His grace is sufficient! His power is unstoppable! His love is unchanging and everlasting! He is faithful! He is good!